A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after
being out together on a date. When they reach the
front door he leans up against the house with one hand
and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his
girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know
you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"
"I'm not going to give you a blow job"
"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the
door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and
rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad
says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come
downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's
sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The
pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or
12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he
said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think
tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her
parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a
feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had
me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and
leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner
with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the
prayer, but continues praying with his head down for
several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl
leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were
such a religious person.' He leans over to her and
says, 'You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist.'
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often
helped men last longer during the act. The man
decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the
restroom, but that was too open. He considered an
alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he
realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his
truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and
crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he
grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the
bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental
fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and
replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's
going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking
out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while
you're down there because your truck rolled down the
hill 5 minutes ago."
This story occurred on Melbourne radio awhile back. One
of the FM stations has a competition where they ring
someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring
their spouse or partner, ask them the same three
questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win
an overseas holiday. The competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the
game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time
you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do
it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here
Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter).
Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your
wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got
Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the
same three questions we asked Brian and if you give
the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had
sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told
them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before
Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long
did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just
being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did
you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be
listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't
matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !
Radio Silence
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball
into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it
and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman freed the
frog and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your
wishes-thatwhatever you wish for, your husband will
get 10 times more or better!'
The woman said, 'That would be okay,' and for her
first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman
in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize
that this wish will also make your husband the most
handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
flock to.'The woman replied, 'That will be okay
because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me.' So, KAZAM - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make
your husband the richest man in the world and he will
be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That
will be okay because what is mine is his and what is
his is mine.' So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the
world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're
next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.
HIM: 'Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?'
HER: 'Because you're never home when it happens.
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has
turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do.
All the kids are restless because there is nothing to
do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask
first and correctly can leave early today." Little
Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta
here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The
teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years
Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said,
"Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right
Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin
Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary.
You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your
country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You
can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I
wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they
always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
she'll never go through with the marriage with me
carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car
broke down and since they lived in the country, he
called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he
could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So
he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra
large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to
peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him
promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he
seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge
came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It
sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got
another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the
windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in
the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning each time with his
napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of
innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had
peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had
not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise
birthday party.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over
to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to
retire.'
The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle
ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't
you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and
I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you
what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a
chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a
head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About
15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after
him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the gap.
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the
front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He
grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young
rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay
rooster I bought this month.'
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped
his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes",
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help
him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to
the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands
inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it
doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like
hell!"
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